the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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