i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
