My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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