Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
