The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
