you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
