isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
