The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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