I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
