apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
