Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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