if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
