i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
