If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
