I am spending my child support on dildos
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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