She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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