cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
