HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
