The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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