We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
