You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
