Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
