There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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