if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
