My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
