she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
