i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
