I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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