Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
