I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dear god my vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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