why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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