You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
