i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
