Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
