yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize