im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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