How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
