u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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