he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
