dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My cat gives me a boner
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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