I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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