I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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