I can feel you judging me through the phone.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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