listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I stole a fireplace last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
