My hand turned me down
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
