im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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