i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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