I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
