I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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