Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
