My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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