Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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