please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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