i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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