I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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