Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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