Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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