I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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