i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize