he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
