The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize