Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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