I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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